I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
