HIV tests are more positive than that guy
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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