So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
