I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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