she looked like the before picture.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
the raccoons are back...
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