I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
