i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
