True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize