i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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