I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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