Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
