I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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