And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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