Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
