I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
