Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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