I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
