Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
