They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
BRING THE BAGELS
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
