I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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