I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
