Moan for me like Helen Keller
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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