So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
