my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
