I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
