I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
