I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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