The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
