I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
