I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
