Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
