even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
