I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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