You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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