I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
