it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
you had me at cake vodka
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
