I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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