Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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