life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
