I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
