I feel great
I just peed on a car
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
