Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
