I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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