I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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