I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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