i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
