8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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