his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
me + whiskey = a bad person
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
