Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
