Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
