At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
