I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
