I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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