Please, let me fuck your mom
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
