Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
