It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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