I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
