Pappa wants mamma naked
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she peed on how many people?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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