I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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