And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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